"I have a horrible feeling that I am a greedy perverted selfish apathetic cynical depraved morally bankrupt woman who can’t even call herself a _."积极过好有意义的确丧生活
It actually feels desperate when your fantasy is fulfilled. Coz it only lived inside your dream and from now on you get no place to hide when you are looking for a shelter. You got it once and then you lost it forever.